Thoughts from today

I actually got out of the house and drove further than a mile for the first time in over a week. I love driving, it helps me think, whenever I've had a problem I'd just go for a drive and it would clear my head enough to think. I realized something today though and I figured I would share.

At an early age, I'm not exactly sure when, I fell into a depression that I continue to struggle with even today. I didn't seek any help or let on how I was feeling for years though, it wasn't until I was about 17 or 18 that I decided to try to break free of those chains. I've always felt alone though, I've actually always found comfort in that loneliness. I didn't have an actual friend until 11th grade, but even ten when I could be alone I would enjoy it. Whenever my family would leave the house for the night, or for vacation, I would always stay behind because I would rather be myself, for those 3 months I lived on my own, I loved it, because I was out on my own and alone I could just do what I wanted for a change. That year or so I lived in the other house and would only see my family on the weekends or sometimes two weeks at a time I also enjoyed, because it was like being on my own again and my family just came to stay with me here and there.

In the past year or two, I've slowly but surely, climbed myself out of that hole I was dug into, and while I was feeling less and less depressed by the month, I still felt comfort in that alone time I had. Yes, I missed the company of my best friend who was moved out of state at the time, and I did feel the loneliness of not having somebody in those times I was single, but I still found a comfort in it mainly because I guess I was used to it.

However, now, I've found that the comfort I once felt is gone and despite having you all, plus so many other people in my life being here for me, I have never felt more alone then I have in my entire life. Despite being surrounded by family, despite friends blowing up my cell phone and IM's, I still feel like Will Smith in "I Am Legend", the last human left in New York.

I feel like I've lost myself, that the part of me that always found this weird comfort in being alone passed away when Mom did, and I'm not ever sure I will feel complete ever again. If I could trade places with her, I would in a heartbeat.

My mother was such a kind, loving person, she would do all she could for somebody in need and then some and she never turned her back on somebody that was in need. That's something I inherited from her and I cherish it now more than ever. She was fun to be around and if it wasn't for her I would've never seen Star Wars and Indiana Jones. She loved Star Wars, not as much as I do, but she always had a fondness for it and we would often discuss the movies which I enjoyed because I could connect with her on that.

She never told me what I couldn't do, even though she knew I might fail in whatever it was I was doing, she would be there for me every step of the way and even be there for me to fall back on when it blew up in my face. She truly loved life, and always put everybody over herself.

People have told me before that they admire my strength for just being able to get out of bed everyday considering all I've been through and the daily pain I continue to go through. If they only knew however how much more my mother had to put up with, just to be able to even lift her head off the pillow, they wouldn't just admire her strength, they would worship it.  My mother inspired me everyday to keep going, I thought that if she can do it, so can I. She was the one person I would always turn to when times were tough, when I needed help with something or just needed somebody to talk to.

Today I cried over the silliest little thing, I was looking for a new lace for my ankle boot, and I found one, but then I realized that I needed to get the right width as well as length. The site listed the width of the lace they had for sale and so I just needed to figure out the width of my lace. That's when it hit me, normally I would take the lace upstairs and sit down with mom and she would help me figure everything out, because I'm a hands on learner and I need to be shown how to do something rather than just being told. The fact that i'll never, ever be able to even just go upstairs and sit down with her just to talk and hang out together hit in like a ton of bricks and I just started crying. I depended on my mother a lot more than I realized and now I just hope I can make my own way in this world and do her proud.

Build of the LEGO Super Star Destroyer (10221) timeline.

Hello :-)

This is a timeline build of the LEGO Super Star Destroyer I ordered from Amazon.com. The kit set me back $400, but I love it and do not regret buying it one bit. I started this project as a way to take my mind off of things and give me something to do while my mother was at Cleveland Clinic getting examined to see if she would need surgery or not. I had a choice between this, the LEGO Death Star or the massive LEGO Millennium Falcon (not the one I already did, but one they put out years ago that is 3 feet long). It came down between this and the Death Star because I did not have either in any kind of toy form and it was a coin flip that decided that this would be my new project. It took me almost a week to build, but I loved every step.

When the box finally arrived, it was huge, but I was really excited to get started.

I opened the box expecting a lot of bags, instead I open it and find three large boxes waiting inside for me. The boxes were the size of a box you would put a sweater in for Christmas gift wrapping. Suddenly it dawned on me on just how large this project was going to be, and I felt like i might have been in over my head.

The manual for this project is immense and bonded together with a spiral, overall I would say that the book itself was the size of a coffee table book and contained 260 pages, front and back!

I then opened box one and sorted the bags by numbers. I opened all of the bags labeled "1" and sorted the parts on my table (which the only surface large enough I had available was a small air hockey table that no longer functioned and I was using for storage) and went about putting together the minifigures first.

The first figure I put together was Dengar. I like the level of detail with this figure, including the headwrap. I also love that they actually got the fact that he had one eye covered correct, many people seemed to overlook this one little fact. He comes with a LEGO rifle.

They also included a backpack for him, which is a nice little detail in my opinion.

This is my first LEGO Vader, I was impressed with the fact that they included a gray and scarred head with him to go under the helmet. As this was my first Vader, I wasn't and still am not sure if this has been included on previous Vader's, but I still enjoy the fact that they went just a little bit further with the detail. He comes with a LEGO silver lightsaber hilt and red blade.

This is LEGO Bossk, this is the second LEGO Bossk I've owned, but I still enjoy the level of detail they have done with his head. He comes with a LEGO rifle.

This is a LEGO Imperial trooper to go on the Bridge. He comes with a LEGO Hologram of the LEGO Emperor (not pictured, because it wasn't until I finished with the project that i realized what it was).

This is LEGO IG-88, and is my first LEGO version of him. I am not too happy that his head is so big, but this is how he was diagrammed being put together.  He comes with a LEGO rifle and pistol.

This is the point I got to one the first night of building before I called it a night. This is a few hours of work.

I carefully moved the framework to my floor to take a better picture.

This is where I got to on the second day before taking a break for a little while so not to get burned out on the project.

This is where I got to by the end of the second day and before I opened bag "2".

 The third day, I managed to get through the bags marked "2"

A close up shot of the previous photo.

Another close of shot, this is the "middle".

Another close up shot, this is towards the rear of the ship.

Another close up shop, this is the rear of the ship.

A close up shot of where I got to by the end of the third day. This is the front of the ship.

 Another close up of the end of the third day. This is the middle of the ship (sorry about the glare).

Another close up shot, showing the progress I have made on the Bridge. The piece is the middle is the backside of a console.

Another close up shot, this is towards the rear of the ship.

Another close up shot, this is the rear of the ship.

The progress at the end of the fourth day.

 A close up of the progress at the end of the fourth day, this is the front of the ship. Seen here in the front is a bracket the long top pieces "connect" into to better hold it on.

Another close up shot of the progress made at the end of the fourth day. This is the middle of the ship.

Another close up shot of the progress made at the end of the fourth day. This is the mid middle of the ship showing off the beginning of the detail shown on the outside of the ship.

Another close up shot showing the progress made at the end of the fourth day. Seen here is the bridge and at the far right of the photo you can see the catwalk and consoles that are below.

A close up shot at the progress made at the end of the fourth day. This shot better shows off the bridge, the consoles and the "door" into the bridge seen at the top of the photo first photo. I forgot to take a picture of the rear of the ship, so sorry!

A shot showing the process I made before opening a new set of bags.

A close up of the progress I made,this is the front of the ship.

A close up of the progress I made, this is the middle of the ship.

A close up of the progress I have made, this is the mid middle of the ship. I forgot to take a picture of the bridge, sorry!

A close up of the progress I made, this is the rear of the ship.

Another day, another close up shot of the front of the ship. Sorry for the fuzzy image.

Another close up of the middle of the ship, sorry for the fuzzy image, I think my lens had a smudge on it.

This is where the bridge would be. They had me construct a "box" to fit over the bridge that is easily removable for playing.

A better close up of the the bridge area of the ship.

Another close up, this is towards the rear of the ship

 Another close up, this is the very end of the ship.

The next bag I opened was parts to construct two stands with. Seen here are the stands completed and attached to the ship.

 A top view of the progress I made at the end of the fifth day.

The LEGO kit came with a midi (read mini) Star Destroyer that attaches to the side of the Super Star Destroyer to give you a sense of scale of how much larger it is compared to a standard issue Star Destroyer. When Mini heard about it and seen how small it is, he decided that he wanted to assemble it to help out his big brother with the project. So I gathered the parts and let him have his fun.  Seen here is Mini assembling the mini star destroyer.

The final day, I assembled the two top pieces and attached them to the Super Star Destroyer. Seen here is the front part of the ship.

Here is the mid to rear section of the 99% completed Super Star Destroyer. I still had small little detail pieces to attach to it but it was basically done.

Here is a shot of the engines, which I didn't think of taking a picture of until the project was finished! Sorry about that and for the grainy quality of the photo.

After I added the small little detail pieces that were left (too small to notice so I didn't take more pictures) I attached the midi Star Destroyer to the Super Star Destroyer. The poles attaching it are clear to give the effect that it is "flying" along side the Super Star Destroyer.

All in all, it took me about six days to do this project. I took a day off from it to give my fingers a break, they were getting raw from all the poking from the LEGO studs. I'm impressed with the scale of it, fifty inches long! My only small gripe with it is with the box over the bridge I can't pose the figures at all, the height of it is just a tad too small to allow them to stand, especially with the massive head of IG-88 poking up higher then the others. Even though I can't see them with the box on, it would be nice knowing that they are all standing in there posed. Would I recommend this? If you have the money, yes definitionally! I only wish they would've included a Boba Fett, a Zuckuss and 4-LOM minifigure with this kit, considering what I paid for it, it would've been no issue of it being a matter of cost. I hope you enjoyed this post, stay nerdy my friends.

Random Funny Sweet Nerdy Man