Thoughts from today

I actually got out of the house and drove further than a mile for the first time in over a week. I love driving, it helps me think, whenever I've had a problem I'd just go for a drive and it would clear my head enough to think. I realized something today though and I figured I would share.

At an early age, I'm not exactly sure when, I fell into a depression that I continue to struggle with even today. I didn't seek any help or let on how I was feeling for years though, it wasn't until I was about 17 or 18 that I decided to try to break free of those chains. I've always felt alone though, I've actually always found comfort in that loneliness. I didn't have an actual friend until 11th grade, but even ten when I could be alone I would enjoy it. Whenever my family would leave the house for the night, or for vacation, I would always stay behind because I would rather be myself, for those 3 months I lived on my own, I loved it, because I was out on my own and alone I could just do what I wanted for a change. That year or so I lived in the other house and would only see my family on the weekends or sometimes two weeks at a time I also enjoyed, because it was like being on my own again and my family just came to stay with me here and there.

In the past year or two, I've slowly but surely, climbed myself out of that hole I was dug into, and while I was feeling less and less depressed by the month, I still felt comfort in that alone time I had. Yes, I missed the company of my best friend who was moved out of state at the time, and I did feel the loneliness of not having somebody in those times I was single, but I still found a comfort in it mainly because I guess I was used to it.

However, now, I've found that the comfort I once felt is gone and despite having you all, plus so many other people in my life being here for me, I have never felt more alone then I have in my entire life. Despite being surrounded by family, despite friends blowing up my cell phone and IM's, I still feel like Will Smith in "I Am Legend", the last human left in New York.

I feel like I've lost myself, that the part of me that always found this weird comfort in being alone passed away when Mom did, and I'm not ever sure I will feel complete ever again. If I could trade places with her, I would in a heartbeat.

My mother was such a kind, loving person, she would do all she could for somebody in need and then some and she never turned her back on somebody that was in need. That's something I inherited from her and I cherish it now more than ever. She was fun to be around and if it wasn't for her I would've never seen Star Wars and Indiana Jones. She loved Star Wars, not as much as I do, but she always had a fondness for it and we would often discuss the movies which I enjoyed because I could connect with her on that.

She never told me what I couldn't do, even though she knew I might fail in whatever it was I was doing, she would be there for me every step of the way and even be there for me to fall back on when it blew up in my face. She truly loved life, and always put everybody over herself.

People have told me before that they admire my strength for just being able to get out of bed everyday considering all I've been through and the daily pain I continue to go through. If they only knew however how much more my mother had to put up with, just to be able to even lift her head off the pillow, they wouldn't just admire her strength, they would worship it.  My mother inspired me everyday to keep going, I thought that if she can do it, so can I. She was the one person I would always turn to when times were tough, when I needed help with something or just needed somebody to talk to.

Today I cried over the silliest little thing, I was looking for a new lace for my ankle boot, and I found one, but then I realized that I needed to get the right width as well as length. The site listed the width of the lace they had for sale and so I just needed to figure out the width of my lace. That's when it hit me, normally I would take the lace upstairs and sit down with mom and she would help me figure everything out, because I'm a hands on learner and I need to be shown how to do something rather than just being told. The fact that i'll never, ever be able to even just go upstairs and sit down with her just to talk and hang out together hit in like a ton of bricks and I just started crying. I depended on my mother a lot more than I realized and now I just hope I can make my own way in this world and do her proud.